


Barely Above Water

by grossnoona



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Actually Ritsu just doubts his r/s w EVERYONE, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, M/M, References to Illness, Relationship Study, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, Trickstar and a couple of other charas are here too but they're like mention only, not just in the romantic sense like over all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:46:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossnoona/pseuds/grossnoona
Summary: It’s at the back of his head.All the way at the back.Deep in his heart as well.Stuck in his throat.But one day, sooner than expected, it bursts in front of Ritsu.He hates it.
Relationships: Isara Mao/Sakuma Ritsu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 66





	Barely Above Water

**Author's Note:**

> (stares at clock) it is 9.43am (this is going to be long sorry)  
> I havent had sleep at all (bc i was doing other things) and ik what youre thinking, " _goldie/grossnoona, pls go to bed--stop uploading fics_ " to which i will reply with " _fic go brrr_ "  
> also I've been at this fic for ????5 days now and it is actually a remake of a p old fic (like 2 years ago) that i had up until deleting it on new years(?? according to the emails lmao) so if you vaguely recall a fic called Sinking Thoughts which was a really old ritsu chara study in like _**EARLY 2018**_ then yea, this is the remake  
> this fic was a bitch to remake and edit bc it has some _really_ personal thoughts and it's just overall one of the most vulnerable ritsus i have ever written (in the 2 years ive written for enst??)  
> i basically rewrote it bc i thought the entire fic needed a re-do but i also learnt that this idea of a vulnerable and lost ritsu that i had 2 years ago was a p accurate idea of ritsu so that was interesting  
> anyway, soz for the long notes, its just this fic is v special fic to me thats all  
> i hope you have fun!!

“ _Gross._ ”

Only the sound of the toilet flushing away Ritsu’s puke can be considered a response. Just how many times has Ritsu thrown up in the bathroom? Ritsu lost count, to be honest. Did he even count, to begin with? Ritsu doubts so. The thought of anything has him clutching tightly to his head as he tries to endure the disgusting taste of bile in his mouth. It hurts.

Ritsu hates it. Why is he like this?

To be honest, Ritsu doesn’t even know when he started having these problems. Though, can he really say that? It’s not like these issues are new. They’re expected. They’re part of living in this convertible coffin known as his body. Ritsu should be used to this by now, he scolds himself as he pathetically flops onto his bed. Why isn’t he? Ritsu doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like getting used to it. He hates getting used to this.

Why should he? Is it because of how little pity he receives after people see he has gotten sick for the umpteenth time? 

Do people think he’s sick because he’ll get attention out of it? Don’t be ridiculous. He wouldn’t want to go through _that much_ pain for attention. That’s too much. Ritsu isn’t like that. He doesn’t want attention. He never cared for it. At least, _not anymore_ . He doesn’t want attention anymore. It doesn’t solve anything. It just makes things _worse_. Ritsu is tired of getting worse.

Ritsu wants to get _better_. Judging by his sickly pale complexion, dry tear tracks, and messy feelings, that’s not happening any time soon.

Ritsu stares at the ceiling.

“ _I used to like dancing_.”

Ritsu mentioned it offhandedly. Izumi gives him a funny look. Arashi as well. Tsukasa questions the phrase being in past tense instead of present. Leo isn't in today, he’s got a fever. That’s fine, though. Leo can always bounce back by the next day. He has a _freakishly strong immune system_ . To say Ritsu is jealous _isn’t wrong_ but Ritsu also wouldn’t like such an immune system. He has a gut feeling that he would get _far too many accidents_ , just like Leo. Not like that matters right now.

Ritsu shrugs at Tsukasa who only stares at him strangely and continues stretching like the comment held nothing important. Izumi rolls his eyes as Arashi switches the topic to Tsukasa not properly stretching. The fact that Tsukasa needs to be told about his stretching is funny to Ritsu. Why is Tsukasa so bad at stretching? Ritsu will never know.

They continue practice without mentioning a thing about that offhand comment. Like always.

Ritsu recalls going home with Tsukasa looking at him with an anticipated face. Maybe he was hoping Ritsu would give him an answer like the other Knights members. Despite being King, it seems the younger still has no clue on how to control Ritsu. Still trying to piece the older together without _actually_ confronting him, Ritsu wonders if Tsukasa is aware that he’s just as easy to read as Leo? If Ritsu said that aloud, Tsukasa might feel offended. Not that surprised, though. They’re both _uncomfortably_ similar inside.

That face Tsukasa made, though. It makes Ritsu want to throw up again. It was a face Ritsu had grown accustomed to.

“ _I used to like playing piano._ ”

Ritsu has mumbled it in a quiet music room with only Leo present. It was earlier this month. Leo had recently returned. Things are supposed to go well. Well, in the group, at least. Ritsu’s health condition is nothing near well. Then again when has it?

Leo stops scribbling with his pen and looks up. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. The unsaid question; _“why did you stop?”_ is clearly said despite the lack of movement and poor acting Leo gives off. Hoping Ritsu wouldn’t notice that he was still curious about that statement. Really, wasn’t it Leo who joked about wanting to join a theater troupe? Ritsu wanted to laugh but he didn’t. He knew how much Leo hated Ritsu when he would spout such crude comments.

It made Ritsu bitterly wonder if Leo was a hypocrite when he would do the same to Ritsu but made it seem like it was okay for him to do it. Izumi might scold him for trying to pick a fight with Leo again if he brought it up. Ritsu isn’t very interested in that.

Though, Ritsu doesn't need to answer Leo’s unspoken question because there was no use in answering. Or at least to Ritsu. He thinks that those are just things better left alone. Reasons as to why he stopped doing certain things is no one’s business. Ritsu doesn’t have to explain why. Ritsu doesn’t need to be asked why. He just doesn’t do them anymore. That’s none of Leo’s problems. That’s none of Tsukasa’s problems. That’s none of Izumi’s problems nor are they Arashi’s.

They’re nobody’s _but_ Ritsu’s. People don’t have to know about it. Don’t be nosy.

“ _I used to compose songs_.”

Tsukasa finds a stack of unfinished scores somewhere in the pile of old junk Knights had in their practice room. He hands them to Leo and asks about them but Leo explains that they weren't his. Tsukasa looked puzzled and started showing them to Izumi, asking who wrote the songs. Well, asking is too kind of a way to put it. It was more like he was _demanding_ . Probably trying to exercise those _King_ rights of his. Whatever rights he has. Ritsu honestly doesn’t think much about them, honestly.

Izumi stares at them for a minute or two and says, “Kuma-kun―it was when he used to compose.” 

What a kind and helpful person, Izumi is. Tsukasa tries to approach Ritsu so he could ask if it’s true. Ritsu decides that he can’t hide this anymore. It wouldn’t hurt to be honest. As much as Ritsu didn’t like talking about stuff like this.

“I used to compose but I don’t anymore. ”

Before Tsukasa could ask about it any further, Leo called him over to listen to something since Izumi was busy with work. Tsukasa puts the sheets aside and leaves Ritsu with a sad face. Ritsu pities the younger but whisks away any thought of checking his old music. No use at looking at useless songs like that. No use at all.

Ritsu says that but he makes sure he was the last one to leave during practice today. They’re pretty cringey songs in Ritsu’s opinion.

Though, some could be salvaged.

The next day, Tsukasa finds some of the music scores completed but a few others chucked in the trash. Ritsu can feel Tsukasa’s stare as he attempts to nap but it’s whisked away by Arashi’s scolding. Ritsu doesn’t think they’ll be any use to the unit, though. Even if Knights had to sing and perform it, they probably were chosen due to sentimental reasons. Not based on any real reason, Ritsu believes.

Ritsu wants to laugh when he thinks about it. Knights performing Ritsu’s songs? What a joke.

Performing those kinds of songs sounds like a nightmare.

“ _I used to love performing arts._ ”

Performing is a nightmare, Ritsu thought as he stared at his cup of tea. Ritsu thinks the tea today tastes salty. None of the usual tea party members were present today. Why is that? Did Ritsu get the day wrong? Maybe. Though, Ritsu feels like he did this on purpose.

What a stupid thing to do on purpose.

Ritsu is all alone. It's been a week and _those thoughts and memories are_ still circling his head. Hasn’t he thrown up enough? Hasn’t he cried enough? Hasn’t he done _enough?_ What more does this stupid body want? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu wished he knew. It’s terrible that he doesn’t even know what _he_ wants. It’s terrible that Ritsu feels like he’s falling apart as he tries to hold back cries.

“ _Ah_ , I used to like it a lot.”

Ritsu wonders if he’s a masochist or something. He doesn’t understand why he keeps pursuing this career if a part of him just wants to run off stage and hurl in the bathroom like a coward. Ritsu wonders if he suits being an idol. Isn’t it better to just give up? He wonders about it a lot. _Especially now._

It’s probably because of how much he loves Knights. He loves his members and unit too much. He can't let go of them. Like a child with his favourite toy; _inseparable_.

He wiped his tears and snot with tissues before eating the cake in front of him. He downs all the saddening thoughts with cake and tea, not once thinking to himself that he could just go home. Though, Ritsu knows why he doesn’t want to go home. It’s too dangerous to go home. 

Too many people in the house. Too much attention. _Burden_ . Ritsu doesn’t want to be _a burden_.

“ _I cried when I saw Ma-kun perform._ ”

Ritsu recalled it―Why was Ritsu like this? It wasn’t even SS. It was just _a normal performance_.

It just felt _heavy._ Something about that particular live show that day. Ritsu just felt _everything_ burst in front of him.

The stage was _brightly coloured_ . The stage was _loud_. Everything was beautiful. It was mesmerising to watch, honestly. Ritsu felt entranced by everything. Ritsu almost couldn’t believe that Ritsu was watching Trickstar. There were so many people. All to see Trickstar. Ritsu knew how big they've grown. It made his heart warm when he thought about it. Their growth was something special. It was something that Ritsu loved watching. He was happy. He cried.

He cried for hours. He was happy.

He was happy for Trickstar. He was happy for Mao. He was happy because Mao was happy. He was _happy_.

  
  
  


He was jealous.

  
  
  


He hated to admit it.

  
  
  


But _he was jealous_.

  
  
  


He wanted to be happy for Mao.

  
  
  


_He really did._

It was stupid that he was jealous _._ He was feeling a mixture of happiness, anger, jealousy, and many other emotions he didn’t know the name to. He didn’t like the feeling and left early. He texted Mao his thanks and ran off like a coward. _As usual_.

He was in his room, crying for hours. Helplessly, uselessly crying like a brat he was.

Izumi called.

_Voicemail._

( Ritsu glanced at his phone and let it pass. Izumi is not someone fit for Ritsu’s tears. )

Arashi called.

_Voicemail_.

( Arashi was too nice to be worried for a fool like Ritsu. Don’t waste your energy, Nacchan. )

Natsume called.

_Voicemail_.

( Ritsu could never talk to him anyway. It felt too similar to someone he knew. )

Mika called.

_Voicemail._

( Mika is kind and always assuring but Ritsu didn’t want to burden him. Ritsu isn’t worthy of it. )

Eichi called.

_Voicemail_.

( Ritsu didn't want to speak to Eichi. He didn’t want to at all. )

Rei called.

_Voicemail._

( Ritsu considered picking up but he didn’t. His voice just felt too much. )

Mao called.

_Mao called._

**Mao called.**

**_Mao called._ **

Ritsu picked up.

Ritsu was scared. He expected a scolding. All he received was Mao talking to him like normal. Mao was chatting with Ritsu like all those miscalls were due to poor timing, not Ritsu ignoring them. Mao was telling Ritsu about how much he wished Ritsu was there― _With him._ With everyone. Though, he understood. He understood Ritsu couldn’t be there.

It was fine, Mao said. Ritsu could hear that reassuring smile Mao gave Ritsu all the time.

He kept going on and on about reassuring everyone that Ritsu was okay. He’ll be sure to inform everyone that Ritsu was just a little sick. He even made a joke about Ritsu being unfit for parties. It was strange. Ritsu’s breath hitched when he heard Mao laugh out a goodbye.

Mao made it sound like Ritsu was speaking to him even though Ritsu said _nothing_.

Ritsu skipped school for a week.

Despite Mao being the only person Ritsu answered that night, Mao was turned down at the door by his maids. Mao kept at it for the first couple of days but soon enough, he gave up. Ritsu felt sorry. At the same time, he didn’t. Ritsu doesn’t know how to explain it.

It’s just―Ritsu didn’t want anyone to see him. Ritsu was afraid of anyone to look at him. Ritsu was disappointed in his appearance. It was a pathetic appearance. Ritsu hated it. Ritsu hated how pathetic he looked.

Ritsu hates looking at himself in the mirror. 

Ritsu believes he was already thin enough. Yet, his body didn’t seem to agree. He was thinner than ever. At this point, he was barely skin and bones. It made him look gangly and inhumane. His complexion was dull, grey and pale as ever. It made the dull and hollow expression Ritsu wears terribly obvious. It can’t be helped that Ritsu becomes self-conscious over his red-rimmed eyes whenever he stares at himself. How do people like him when he looks like this? Don’t they want to run away when they look at him?

Ritsu can’t help but feel disgusted as he stared at his reflection.

_What a hideous body._

Ritsu knew running away and trying to ignore his responsibilities wasn’t going to solve anything. Life goes on. Life _has to_ go on. Ritsu will get left behind if he isn’t careful. Ritsu will be forgotten. Replaced. No longer needed. Ritsu can’t expect everything to stop and wait for him. He has to carry his own weight too.

Even when Ritsu says that. He can’t help it. He can’t help but not want to carry that weight anymore. He’s tired of it. He can’t handle it anymore.

Ritsu just wonders― _What will the world do if Ritsu were to disappear completely?_

Knights will probably replace him. Rather easily too. He’ll be a forgotten face as Tsukasa replaces Ritsu with a member that doesn’t take ages to understand and isn’t difficult to control. Leo and Izumi might like that, actually. Arashi too. They’ve all mentioned how difficult Ritsu can be. With Ritsu out of the way, they won’t have any trouble assembling themselves into the full-fledged knights they have always wanted to be.

Would they mourn over the loss of Ritsu? Maybe. For a couple of seconds. Nothing more. Nothing less. _Just enough_ . To remember who Ritsu was and to forget him completely. They’ll recall and cherish their favourite memories of Ritsu and scorn him for all the mistakes he has made. They’ll weep for him. They’ll spit and take a piss at his grave. They might throw a tantrum about it but they’ll also be glad that Ritsu is _finally_ gone.

_Ritsu honestly believes that Knights would do so much better without him._

What about his other friends? What about his family? Will they miss him? Ritsu wonders about that.

Ritsu doubts any of them will. Ritsu has been nothing but dead-weight to his family. Though his parents and brother will mourn, they’re also far too busy to even shed a tear for Ritsu. His extensive family might rejoice if Ritsu has decided to kick the bucket. Ritsu wouldn’t be surprised if they held a celebration party instead of mourning over Ritsu. If anything, he would find it hilarious if they mourned instead. As morbid as that sounds.

Ritsu isn’t so sure about his friends but when have they actually cared? Ritsu wonders. Do his friends even like him? Ritsu doesn’t know. Somehow, Ritsu doubts so. Maybe they only felt obligated to befriend Ritsu. Why, though?

_Was it because of Ma-kun?_

Ritsu sunk deeper into the bathtub. Water was close to his chin.

This is dangerous, Ritsu thought to himself. Despite thinking that, Ritsu doesn’t feel all that scared. 

_How would Ma-kun feel?_

Maybe Mao would be mad at Ritsu. Then again, when isn’t he? Mao is always mad at Ritsu.

_Don’t do this. Don’t do that. Why are you like this? Why can’t you do this? Why are you helpless? Why do you never do what you’re told to do? Why are you so difficult? Stop being like this. Stop being like that._

It always sounds like everything Ritsu does is wrong. It makes Ritsu wonder if Mao actually likes Ritsu. He wouldn’t know because Mao never tells Ritsu the truth. He never tells Ritsu how he feels about Ritsu. All he does is blanket Ritsu in this fake reassurance that he keeps claiming is his love for Ritsu but Ritsu doesn’t even know if that’s true.

Ritsu’s breath hitches as he holds tightly to his hair.

Ritsu doesn’t even know if Mao means it when he says _I love you_.

Does Mao mean it when he showers Ritsu in love? Ritsu doesn’t know.

Every time Ritsu thinks about Mao, Ritsu doesn’t know if Ritsu even knows Mao. Each time Ritsu feels like he’s able to piece Mao together, he realises he can’t. Each time Ritsu feels like he can confidently say he knows who Mao is, he realises he doesn’t. Everything Ritsu knows about Mao almost feels like a lie. Ritsu doesn’t know why.

Ritsu doesn’t want to feel that way about Mao. 

_Yet, he does_.

Ritsu doesn’t want to hate Mao, though. Ritsu can’t bring himself to. Ritsu can’t bring himself to hate anyone. He can’t hate Knights. He can’t hate his parents. He can’t hate his brother. He can’t hate his friends. He can’t hate anyone.

_Why?_

Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu can’t find an answer as to why he can’t hate anyone. He can say it as a joke but he can never give those words a meaning. He can never say it seriously. He can say he hates things but he can never say it to a person. He can’t hate a person. Why can’t he hate a person? Ritsu doesn’t know.

_Hate_.

That’s Ritsu's least favourite word. Ritsu is afraid of that word.

Ritsu is afraid of someone saying that they _hate_ Ritsu. Ritsu is afraid of someone saying that they _don’t want_ Ritsu anymore. Ritsu is afraid of someone saying Ritsu _doesn’t need_ to be here anymore. Ritsu is afraid of someone saying that they _don’t love_ Ritsu at all.

_Ritsu is afraid of not being missed at all._

Ritsu’s laughter echoes loudly in the bathroom. 

Did Ritsu not just mention that he wanted to disappear? Suddenly, like the coward he is, he doesn’t want to. He’s afraid of it. He hates the thought of disappearing. He hates the thought of being forgotten. He hates the thought of being nothing.

Yet, at the same time, he wants to cease to exist. He hates living. He hates being in pain. It’s tiring to live. He has given up on living. He doesn’t want to do anything anymore. He just wants to disappear. He wants to be nothing.

_It doesn’t make sense._

Nothing about Ritsu makes sense. Nothing he does makes sense. Nothing he says makes sense. It’s all nonsense. Ritsu is just complete nonsense.

That’s all he is.

**_Nonsense_ **.

Ritsu’s scrawny and disgusting appearance draws such concerned faces. 

A part of Ritsu is annoyed by it. A part of Ritsu is embarrassed by it. A part of Ritsu is just _too tired_ to fully care about it.

Despite the uncertain mix of emotions, Ritsu feels like he’s more embarrassed than anything.

Ritsu can only stay quiet. Ritsu can only look down at his shoes as he walks past others. It’s honestly uncomfortable. Ritsu feels like he’s being mocked a little. By whom? Ritsu doesn’t know. He just feels like he’s being mocked. He just feels like he’s being told to go home. They don’t need him anymore.

That little act of disappearance was nothing but _a reason_ to replace Ritsu.

Everything is a blur. Ritsu doesn’t recall anything.

It feels like his senses have dulled out.

Everything is out of focus. He can’t see anything. He doesn’t even know who he’s facing at times. Not like it matters. Ritsu has quickly learnt that his eyes can only focus on his shoes or hands. Anything else turns into a blur. _A terrible one_. One where Ritsu can’t distinguish anything at all. What a shame.

Everything tastes bland and the same. Ritsu doesn’t know why. It leaves him hurling his guts out in the bathroom. Ritsu hates it. He stares into the toilet bowl as it flushes down the meal Ritsu forced himself to eat. Bitter. Sweet. Sour. Salty. Spicy. All of those tastes come into Ritsu’s mouth all at once. It leaves Ritsu holding his stomach as he gags terribly. Guess Ritsu is skipping history today, he thought as he leaned against the bathroom door.

Everything around him sounds like white noise. Ritsu can’t register anything. All he hears is an endless loop of white noise. It makes his head spin. It makes him want to cover his ears and hope it comes to a halt. He doesn’t know how to make it stop. All he can do is endure it, hoping at some point, it’ll just come to a stop and leave him alone.

Everything around him feels missing. Almost as if his presence was nothing but an existence that was terribly shoehorned in. Ritsu doesn’t know how to explain it at all. He just knows he doesn’t _fit in_ . He felt out of place all throughout his lessons, not paying a single mind to what has been written on the board. He felt out of place amongst the chatter and banter of his friends during lunch. He felt out of place during the meetings and practices held by Knights. He felt out of place in Mao’s arms. He just couldn’t fit _anywhere_.

_It’s almost as if Ritsu wasn’t Ritsu anymore_.

Ritsu finds himself in the music room. He doesn’t know why he’s in this room. He just is.

The piano is there, like always. Waiting to be played by those who wish to play it. Ritsu locks the door and draws the curtain. Ritsu doesn’t want the lights on. It feels safer to play this in the dark, Ritsu believes.

He drops his bag and hovers his fingers above the piano. There’s a sense of reluctance as Ritsu stares at the piano.

_What is Ritsu waiting for?_

An audience? No, not really. A reason to play? Ritsu can’t find one. There never was one. Encouragement? No, Ritsu doesn’t want anyone to see him. That’s the point of why the lights are off, the curtains are drawn and the door is locked. He doesn’t want people to look for him. He doesn’t want people to know he’s here. He doesn’t want people to bother him. He just wants to cease to exist. He just wants to pretend that he isn’t a person.

“ _I just want space to breathe._ ”

The sound of the piano quietly clinking as he slowly drops his hands against the keys fills in the room. 

Space. That’s what Ritsu wants. Space.

Hasn’t Ritsu had enough of that? Ritsu disappeared for a week. Locking himself in his goddamn room. Not eating anything. Not doing anything. Not speaking to anyone. Hasn’t he had enough of that loneliness? Isn’t that why he _finally_ left his mess of a room and returned to school and work?

Did it work, though? Did leaving his room actually work? Is he less lonely now? Ritsu doesn’t feel like it. If anything, it just made him feel worse. Being around everyone just made everything _unbearable_. Ritsu couldn’t take it anymore. Ritsu wanted everyone to go away.

Talking felt nauseating. Moving felt nauseating. Eating felt nauseating.

**_Everything_ ** _was nauseating._

Ritsu feels his throat wanting to close up. He might want to throw up again. He might want to cry again. Yet, somehow, it doesn’t want to come out. It just stays there. In his throat. Refusing and refusing. It doesn’t want to come out. It doesn’t feel like coming out. It rather stays in Ritsu’s throat than comes out like it’s supposed. Ritsu hates how difficult it is to understand and deal with his body.

One minute, it functions as Ritsu wants it to. Listening to every command Ritsu gives. Pulling its weight as Ritsu works and studies. The next minute, it’s breaking apart. It refuses to listen to Ritsu. Stopping Ritsu from doing anything. Leaving Ritsu trapped in his bed. Leaving Ritsu trapped in his bathroom. Leaving Ritsu useless.

Maybe Ritsu understands why everyone disregards Ritsu like this.

Treating him like a ticking bomb. Treating him like he’s meaningless. Treating him like he’s fragile. Made of glass. Treating him like he’s a fully capable adult. No longer needing help. A baby yet an adult. Incapable yet capable.

Ritsu is a mess. Ritsu is nonsensical. Hasn’t he mentioned that before?

A tune plays by itself. Ritsu almost feels like he’s not actually playing it himself. Possessed by something that isn’t him. The playing isn’t as good as Leo’s or Rei’s but it's _good enough_.

One might say it’s mediocre. Nothing remarkable. Nothing worth noting. Others might say it’s terrible. Turn that shit off. It’s horrible. It’s _barely_ music.

Ritsu laughs to himself. His movements are stuttery and messy. The keys are all wrong and awful but it's funny. Ritsu wonders if he can even remember playing the piano. Looking at his fingers glide through the keys, it almost seems like he doesn’t. It almost seems like this is his first time playing it.

Yet, he enjoyed it. He enjoyed every bit of the song.

He begins to write the notes down. The song sounds like a bunch of misplaced notes. Extremely awful. What a shitty song. It makes Ritsu laugh aloud. Ritsu can’t believe he’s calling this jumble of notes, a song. It’s nothing close to one.

Yet, he loved the song.

It made him want to sing and dance happily. It was strange. It was relieving. It was scary. Ritsu didn't know how to describe this situation.

All Ritsu could say was―It’s been so long since he felt _this happy_.

Ritsu wonders if this euphoric moment was only temporary. Ritsu doesn’t want it to go away so soon. Ritsu wants to stay like this forever.

It shakes away every scary thought that he’s been having for the past months. It shakes away all those fears that eat Ritsu up whenever he’s awake and asleep. It gives him a sense of relief. It gives him space to breathe. It gives him the comfort and love he needs. Ritsu doesn’t know how to explain it. He can only feel it.

Just as he thinks about how much fun he’s having, he hears the door handle shake.

Ritsu stiffens at the sound. There’s muffled talking, arguing, and knocking on the other side. Ritsu doesn’t want to open the door. Leave. Ritsu doesn’t want someone to sneak into this small secret world of his. Leave. _Please._

Like a stupid child, Ritsu finds himself huddled underneath the piano. Ritsu has been doing this since he was a child, he never understood the logic behind this poor decision. He’ll be immediately found. Ritsu knows this. Yet. He kept doing it. Maybe hoping that _one day_ , it’ll work.

Closing his eyes and taking steady breaths, Ritsu hopes all that door handle shaking and shouting will stop. Ritsu doesn’t know who is on the other side but he wants them to go away. As stupid and childish that request is.

Ritsu opens his eyes to bright fluorescent lights and the smell of cinnamon cologne. 

_Warm. It felt warm. Warm. It’s warm in a way Ritsu doesn’t really know how to explain._

Mao has always been the warmest body he has ever held onto. Mao has always been Ritsu’s favourite person to hug. Mao has always been the kindest person Ritsu has ever met. Mao never fails to comfort Ritsu through his tears, even if they’re over ridiculous things. Ritsu doesn’t understand Mao at all.

Moments like these―It makes Ritsu want to believe Mao truly loves him.

The way Mao tightly holds Ritsu. The way Mao whispers comforting words into Ritsu’s hair. The way Mao insists Ritsu stays, even though he’s disturbing Trickstar’s practice. Mao wants Ritsu to stay. Just for a while. It won’t be long. Mao promises.

_A part of Ritsu feels out of place again._

That world Ritsu built earlier crumbles away as he tries to focus on the practice that plays in front of him. Ritsu doesn’t even know what to say. Ritsu doesn’t even know what he’s looking at. Ritsu doesn’t know what to do. Ritsu just feels lost and confused.

Is it because this world has been broken into and filled with these foreign things that Ritsu has failed to recognise despite its familiarity?

Is it because Ritsu has realised this world Ritsu had built was merely one that was held by tape and strings, making it _so easy_ to break?

Is it because Ritsu feels like he’s only obligated to stay because no one wants to push Ritsu out even though they should?

To be honest, Ritsu doesn’t know the answer to any of those questions. Ritsu only knows that Trickstar tries their best in accommodating Ritsu despite how unnecessary it is. Ritsu wonders if they’re doing it out of pity? Maybe it’s because of Mao that they don’t push him out. It wouldn’t be surprising. All of these decisions people make are usually _only_ because of Mao, after all.

_Do people_ **_actually_ ** _care about Ritsu?_

The minute Trickstar says their goodbyes and takes their leave, Mao kisses Ritsu. It’s chaste and sweet. It’s the kind where Ritsu finds himself feeling vulnerable and bare in front of Mao despite how unfair that feels. Ritsu doesn’t hate it, though. He just wished it wasn’t only him who felt like this.

Ritsu doesn’t want to say Mao’s feelings are insincere.

Moments like these―It’s clear that Mao’s feelings aren’t insincere. Even if they are, Ritsu wants to believe they aren’t. Ritsu wants to pretend that all of the kisses and hugs Mao is giving Ritsu mean _something_. As terribly dangerous as that may be, Ritsu just wants to believe in it. It’s childish, Ritsu bitterly thought.

“ _Waltz with me._ ”

Ritsu feels like he can fall asleep in Mao’s arms. It’s strange. Just a couple of hours ago, Ritsu felt uncomfortable in Mao’s arms. He felt as though Mao’s hugs were meant for someone else. Not for Ritsu. How is it that Mao is good at tricking Ritsu into thinking these things he does are for him and him alone? Surely, Mao is just toying with him.

Though, that isn’t right. Mao isn’t that kind of person. 

Mao is kind. Mao is sweet. Mao is comforting. Mao is warm. Mao reassures people. Mao loves showering people with love that they deserve. Mao does everything he can to help those in need.

At the same time, Mao isn’t that kind of person as well.

Mao can be cruel. Mao can be vile. Mao can be rude. Mao can be cold. Mao can spit at someone’s face as they beg for mercy. Mao can make people turn their back against those they loved. 

Ritsu’s head spins as he tries to swallow the bile that rises up in his throat. It makes him clutch his head in pain as he took deep breaths. Ritsu can feel Mao rub his back carefully, whispering _its okays_ into his hair. As reassuring it feels, it doesn’t stop the bile from rising in his throat. How fucking disgusting.

Ritsu doesn’t know if he _actually_ wants to throw up or not. Lately, it almost feels like his body is just pulling pranks on him. Maybe his body thinks it’s funny to pull pranks and make him suffer. Maybe his body thinks it’s funny to be an embarrassment. A burden. Just dead-weight.

Ritsu doesn’t understand himself at all.

It’s terrible that Ritsu has lost count of the amount of times he has thrown his guts out today. It feels like he has thrown up more times than he has in the span of last week. It makes him feel terrible and gross all over. What a hideous person, Ritsu is. His insides hate him so much, they force themselves out all the time.

Ritsu feels bad for not being able to finish the waltz but Mao reassures him that it’s fine. What’s far more important is Ritsu’s health. What’s far more important is Ritsu. Ritsu hears what Mao is saying but somehow he doesn’t believe it. 

Why is it that Ritsu feels so indecisive on the idea of how Mao feels about him?

It’s not even Ritsu who gets to decide. _It’s Mao who gets to decide_.

Ritsu’s mouth asks the question, faster than his brain can think of retracting it.

Mao makes a funny face. Almost as if he doesn’t believe Ritsu could ask such a question. Maybe he’s offended. Maybe he isn’t. Ritsu has never been good at looking at Mao in the face during difficult moments like these. Ritsu wished he was, though. Then these mistakes wouldn’t be so common in their relationship.

“ _Of course, I love you―What makes you think otherwise?_ ”

Ritsu stays quiet. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut. Maybe he should have just thanked Mao for helping him, even if it wasn’t much. Ritsu wants to tell Mao to forget it but how can he? _Forget that I thought you didn’t love me_ ―Is that even the right thing to say?

Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu really doesn’t know. Ritsu wished he knew.

Knew what? Knew how to handle his emotions? Knew how to take care of himself? Knew how to shut his goddamn mouth when necessary? Knew how to confront people about his troubles? Knew how to accept the love Mao has always given him? Knew how to do anything _at all?_

It’s laughable, honestly. Ritsu is a clueless selfish brat. Ritsu knows nothing about anything. Ritsu expects everyone to do it for him. What a selfish person, Ritsu is.

**_A burden. A waste of time. A mess._ **

_That’s all Ritsu is, right?_

**_Difficult. Terrible. Annoying. Stupid._ **

_That’s the only way to describe Ritsu, right?_

**_Dead-weight._ **

_That’s the only reason why Ritsu doesn’t deserve to be loved, right?_

Mao wipes Ritsu’s tears.

No. Ritsu isn’t any of those things. Ritsu is never any of those things. Mao knows that. Mao has spent so many years being with Ritsu. He knows that Ritsu is far more than he thinks. Even if Ritsu doesn’t believe in that, Mao does and isn’t that enough? Ritsu wonders about that.

As if Mao is aware of the air of doubt around Ritsu, he asks Ritsu to stay over at his house. Forget about the dorms. It’s the weekend. Mao can always come back on Sunday or something. Mao can always figure those trivial details later. It doesn’t matter.

What matters now is that Ritsu stays with Mao. Even if it’s for a short while.

Ritsu doesn’t really get it. All he can do is trust Mao.

Ritsu doesn’t quite know what’s gotten into Mao but it’s comforting. To say the least, Ritsu finds Mao’s gestures comforting. The way Mao guides Ritsu up the stairs, laughing as Ritsu looks at him confusedly. The way Mao lures Ritsu with kisses as they stumble into the bathroom so they can take a bath together. The way Mao lace his fingers together with Ritsu’s as he peppers Ritsu’s shoulders with kisses in the bathtub. The way Mao wraps his arms around Ritsu’s waist tightly and mumbles _I love yous_ into his neck. The way Mao slips his favourite shirt on Ritsu, leaving Ritsu practically drowning in it. The way Mao bestows the warmest and softest smile Ritsu has ever seen make.

_It feels reassuring._

Ritsu doesn’t know how to explain it.

It makes Ritsu want to cling onto this strange rush of love. Something about it just leaves Ritsu feeling breathless and warm inside. Something about it just leaves Ritsu feeling light. He can’t help but cling onto it.

It feels vaguely like that small world he created back at the music room.

Every part of Mao―It scares away every scary thought that chains him to the pit of his stomach. It shakes away all those fears that eat Ritsu up by the minute. It gives him a sense of relief. It gives him space to breathe. It gives him the comfort and love he needs. Ritsu doesn’t know how to explain it. He can only _feel it_.

The way Mao picks up Ritsu’s terrible music scores and tries to carry that tune with grace, it leaves Ritsu laughing more than ever. How he picks up his guitar and tries to figure out what the hell Ritsu has written down, Ritsu feels like Mao is piecing that small world back together. The sound of Mao’s humming and guitar plucking blankets the room with this warm and fluffy feeling. Ritsu loves it so much.

Thanks to Mao, that small world returns bigger and stronger than Ritsu ever imagined it to be.

The song Ritsu wrote earlier gets more complex. Not as complex as his mother’s, of course. It doesn’t carry the same energy as his brother’s songs either. Nor does it carry the same clean and sleek aura that Leo gives Knights’ songs. Ritsu doesn’t know how to describe it but it feels _right_ . Something about Mao’s contributions feels _right_.

There’s nothing interesting about it, honestly. It’s not _amazing_ . It’s not _awe-inspiring_. Both Mao and Ritsu know that.

_Yet, Ritsu was still in love with it._

Something about Mao’s and Ritsu’s voices intertwining together as they sing these embarrassing lyrics aloud made everything feel better. The sound of their laughter getting in between the singing in the recording made the song come to life. It made waltzing and swinging to the music fun. Especially with Ma-kun. 

Dancing and singing with Ma-kun was so much fun.

Though it isn’t much, Ritsu didn’t mind anchoring himself to this for a little while. 

The song doesn’t really grow into anything ridiculously complex. It doesn’t really grow into a song that can be sung by more than the two people. The lyrics aren’t really something that Ritsu feels like could be enjoyed by everyone. The melodies aren’t anything that is album-worthy either.

Even then, Ritsu loved it. Ritsu cherished the song.

It was something that made him feel better.

Throughout the weekend, all Mao and Ritsu did was work on that one shitty song. Wondering to themselves, if they should just release it into the open despite how absurd the song seemed to be. All they could focus on was that stupid song that Ritsu made because he had no other outlet to express how terrible he felt. All Ritsu could focus on was the way Mao twisted those sad words and melodies into something beautiful and comforting.

Ritsu stared at the music scores. It’s messy. It’s filled with notes and words that only Mao and Ritsu can understand.

There’s a chance that this song will never see the light of day. Ritsu will never know if he ever plans to release it. A part of him doubts the release will ever happen. Ritsu doesn’t really believe in his skills as a composer. Let alone be a composer in a unit with _Tsukinaga Leo_ in it. Though, that’s fine. This song is way out of Knights’ style, anyway.

It’s too stylistic. It’s too much of Ritsu’s taste. New Dimension will surely ask Ritsu to rewrite it.

Something Ritsu isn’t very interested in doing.

_Though_

If there’s ever a chance for Ritsu to sing this song with Mao―Just like how they recorded it in Mao’s bedroom―Ritsu would take it.

Ritsu doesn’t know how to describe it _but_ Ritsu feels like singing this song with Mao is the only way. This small world was built with Mao and Mao alone. Ritsu wouldn’t want to sing this song any other way.

After all, this love song is theirs and _only theirs_.

**Author's Note:**

> not gon lie  
> the original does not have maorits (thats a lie, there is maorits but its _very lightly touched_ ) so i decided to amp it up bc i am slut for some good maoritsu  
> there are a lot of self-indulgent maoritsu things (as usual) but there is also a lot thoughts about how ritsu might feel towards mao  
> ofc not just mao alone, there are _a lot_ of lines referring to ritsu's r/s w _**everyone**_ and its just interesting to think abt yk?? like ritsu is an interesting chara to me when it comes to r/s?? rather than just individually like how mao is so i had a lot of fun writing and thinking abt this fic (esp how my idea of ritsu hasnt changed much)  
> it has been a really long time since i last wrote a proper fic that wasn't a drabble skjdnsd  
> also this is a style i haven't written in 2 years as well so thats why i mentioned in earlier in beginning notes that this was a bitch to edit bc i dont really write like this anymore but do tell me if you like this style??   
> i am considering doing this style again (if i have the right prompt and stuff) since its fun way of writing (to me)  
> anyway i hope you had fun and thank you for reading!!  
> (as usual, you can chat with me [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan))


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